Wednesday, July 18, 2012

He Ain't All That and a Bag of Chips with Dip

*Disclaimer: This post is not intended to place blame on the male species. My primary goal is to encourage women to realize how much they are worth. With that said, men, please don't take offense.

"All men are not the same, but you can't make the men who are change."—LRW

Why are you still chewing on a stale commitment that has no crunch? Once you get past the crunch phase and he starts dismissing you like the residue at the bottom of the bag, it's time to let go. The problem is most women don't know how or when to say goodbye. There are so many layers that I can peel away from the delicate coating of this topic, but for the sake of length and time I will focus my argument on the core of the matter at hand: women who allow men to treat them like Sugar. Honey. Iced. Tea. 

Crying over a man who constantly disrespects you, humiliates you, abuses you, and makes you angry… WHY? We all have the power to be happy, but for some reason we choose not to use it.
Comfort vs. Content vs. Complacent

When we get comfortable in a situation, it causes us to believe that we are content. But in actuality, we have become complacent. Learn the difference! The pursuit of happiness should never end.

In order to eliminate the feeling of a preachy, know-it-all tone, I will first highlight relevant circumstances from my own personal relationship experiences and share what I've learned to hopefully reverse the ricochet of the reality that most women seem to blatantly overlook. Love is blind, but it isn't invisible. We see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe. I, too, am guilty of this habit...

I'm a relationship kind of gal. I simply love love. When it comes to commitment, I'm all in.

I should have cheated.

The aftermath of two unsuccessful relationships has caused me to take a step back and reevaluate the actual terms of what it means to be committed to someone. I was comfortable in both of my previous relationships. I invested time, effort, money, and affection into two men who failed to appreciate me as a woman. I set my standards in the beginning, but I compromised a bit too much and did not repeatedly demand the same in return. I wanted to please my lover(s). I wanted them to be happy with me... even if I wasn't happy with myself. Although I personally believe I did all that I was supposed to do, they both were unfaithful. Still, I was forgiving... and left alone to patch up the scars of a broken heart... twice. But today, I'm better, stronger, happier, and wiser. No regrets.

Every woman has a breaking point.

As women, we must establish a limit to our pain. Determine the things you will and will not deal with. For instance, I will not tolerate physical abuse. If a man attempts to physically harm me, I will not continue to put my life in danger just because I "love" him. Most women tend to confuse love and loyalty. We can stop loving a man once he hurts us and remain loyal to him because of the emotional attachment or the history we have established with him. But history is just that... HISTORY! It's in the past. What is he doing to please you here and now? Stop holding on to what used to be, or what could have been IF you were able to alter an action that has already occurred.

I've also heard so many women use the "baby daddy excuse". You made the decision to have unprotected sex with him, got pregnant, and foolishly thought that the baby would make him change. Instead, he continued to show you his true colors... yet you have unprotected sex with him again and here comes baby number two, three, four, and five out of wedlock... and then you blast him on Facebook for not taking care of his child(ren). You knew he was a deadbeat on baby number one. Wake up! Have some class, rebuild your dignity, and move on.

I will not promote the "a man will only do what you allow him to do" philosophy because at some point that man must also take responsibility for his actions. If a man continues to disrespect a woman just because she allows it, what does that say about him as a "man"? I digress...

The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing". If he hasn't made you his wife, he probably doesn't think you're a good thing. Point, blank, period, comma, and exclamation point. So, why do you keep wasting your time, your devotion, your forgiveness, your love, and your worth on someone who does not appreciate you? If you believe you're a good thing, wait for the man who deserves you. Don't settle for mess when you deserve the best.

I understand how hard it is to detach yourself from a familiar link. Been there, done that, won't look back. My new connections will hold far greater merit because I know what I want and refuse to accept anything less. No, we don't want to give up on that last piece of hope... thinking that someday he will wake up and realize his mistakes and finally appreciate what he has. Sorry to tell you that that someday may never come, sister girl. How long are you willing to wait? Although staying is easy, leaving is smart.

The female species has been conditioned to believe in the ups and downs theory... the idea that we are supposed to stay no matter what. We become so oblivious and naive to the lies and deceit that unsatisfactory behavior from a man becomes normal and acceptable. And then fear creeps in... the fear of what happens next, fear of being alone, fear of never being loved again. We cannot allow fear to overpower our expectations for love. Yes, letting go is scary and starting over is a difficult process, but the quality of your self-value will be worth so much more when you decide to put yourself first.

In closing, for the men who may think I don't have time for love... the fact is, I don't have time for games. I can identify a stale chip without even taking a bite.

This is what a stale chip looks like

What makes a woman continue to deal with a man who breaks the law(s) of commitment (lying, cheating, abusing, neglecting, etc.)? Once a woman forgives a man for breaking the law, why is it so hard for him NOT to break the law again? 

When we break laws in the world, we are punished. So, woman, how are you punishing him and what's so good about his chips? Why do you stay? Are you too afraid to open a new, fresh bag that just might be the crunch you need to be happy? Is his dip really that sweet or are you just accustomed to the sourness? Don't let him make you bitter!

You can't change a man, but the right man will change for you. If you think he's the right one, answer these three questions. If you cannot, he is not:

What do you love about him? What does he do to make you happy? Does the good honestly outweigh the bad?
When you know better, you do better... The question is: Do you want better? It starts with...


You’re all that
And then some
If they want some
They can probably
Have some

Your mouth spouts your self worth
You put YOU first
No matter who it hurts

If they were uncertain
About their purpose
It’s just to serve you
Any idiot can see that
Are you the idiot?

Are you class?
Did you skip that?
Cause if they hit that
Before they
That time with you
You’re through
Old news
Done for

You’re all that
Then some

You feel like nothing
Tired of searching
No more hurting
Your love feels worthless
You can’t let anyone know
Can’t let it show

You won’t be anything
Less than perfect
Close the curtain
To the public eye
When it’s time to cry
All they know of you

Even though some days
You wish you didn’t even try
Don’t know why
You bother
Looking for something more
Cause it isn’t there

You’re a mess on the inside
No other person you know
To confide in
All they see is hot, flashy and fly

You’re all that
And then some
Hurt so bad
Till you’re numb
Actions from that make you seem dumb
Waiting for real love to come
So if they want some
They can probably get some

Who knows?
Might be the
They aren’t
They got what they came for
Now they’re done
And you
You are back to square one

But there is good news
IT starts with you

You knew
It wasn’t pure
You weren’t sure
But you are yet holding on
Waiting for the real deal
That spark you feel
To ignite
To come back
But it’s gone

No place feels like home
It’s NOT
That you haven’t found someone to love you
It’s that you haven’t found someone in YOU to love
And you need a hug
But it starts with YOU!

Written By: Walter "Twon" Adams

*Music is Life...Poetry is Love*